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The truth hurts

My life really doesn’t suck. I have good health, (as far as I know) a fantastic family, a best friend I would die for, I work hard at my 2 jobs and go to school and have managed to save a little money. It would be even better if I was a young 20 something but I'm not, I'm a late 30 something. I had to start me life over because I was naive and thought I knew my place in world.

Alright...the real dirt...

In February I found out my 10 year steady was screwing my best friends daughter. That’s when I started this journal. I promptly left him because I have always believed that cheating was an unforgivable sin, and moved in with my best friend and her husband. -yes, the situation is odd, the daughter was suppose to be my friend too :(- I didn't plan to move in with them, I was going to live with my grandmother, but my friends insisted. They said they would help me get through school so I could find real independence. My best friend probably saved my life, or at least I believed at te time she was my best friend, I have to wonder if perhaps she offered me a place to stay because she wanted revenge on him. It is extremely unfortunate that she had also slept with him as well before I knew him, in fact, he broke up with her to go out with me. if I would have known this, I may not have dated him at all. They decided to keep it a secret, I found out 7 years into my relationship because he ooopsed and let it slip. Her dirty c*nt of a daughter knew her mom had gone to bed with him and still persued and slept with him... so incredibly disgusting...

I can't even explain how devastated I was and still am by what has taken place. We had our problems, but I loved this man with all my heart. What and how they did what they did is really unbelievable to me, the things I found out were shock, after shock, after shock. After 5 months of refusing to speak to my ex (the girl moved in the day I moved out even though they were still blatantly denying they were having sex) we had our first conversation and he told me he knew how big a mistake what he did was from the beginning and was living in denial, she was immature and it allowed him to be immature. He confessed everything, every detail of their sex life, when, how, where and more. Way too much information, but he said he was ready to be honest about everything. He wanted me back. Wow. After being with someone for 10 years there are ties I can't seem to sever. Even while we weren't speaking, I thought about him all the time, even if they weren't very nice thoughts. We are talking and trying to work on a friendship, I feel terrible when I see him, and I feel terrible when I don't. He says I need to find a way to get over it, "It happened, I can't change what happened and I'm sorry". lol.... How do you tell your heart to stop hurting and have it work? I’m really trying, my life is very full and looks productive from the outside.

I find that the trusting, loving person I was is overshadowed by this horrible ugly feeling I can't seem to shake. There are a lot of people of the opinion that you should be able to be perfectly happy alone. I think all animals were meant to be in pairs and if you don’t have a mate you are missing an extremely vital part of your life. I feel guilty that all the great things in my life have to share space with pain I can't get away from, am not sure how to get away from. I am a deeply sensitive person. Both a great quality, and a flaw depending on the circumstances.

Sometimes I just want to move far away. I doubt that would change what’s going on inside me, just what’s going on outside. So I will continue to live by my anime motto:
“DO YOUR BEST!”

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
newbabel
Sep. 23rd, 2007 12:56 am (UTC)
I'm not sure you and I were friends at the time, but not long ago I went through something similar. Not on the same level, of course, but the same sort of betrayal. (I'm not trying to compare my pain to yours, dear. Just that the events were of the same kind.)

I spent a year feeling like a puppet that had had its strings cut. I was broken in so many ways. I didn't know how I was ever going to come back from that. In a strange turn of events, my ex and I got back together for a few months to give it another try.

What happened there is irrelevant. All I want to say is that you feel the way you feel because something happened. Something bad. Something that was not your doing. How you come back from that is a choice. I know what it's like to still love someone who hurt you. But should you reward that behavior with forgiveness, or letting them back into your life? I say no.

Once, one night, in a fit of passion or a drunken stupor... that can be hurtful. A mistake that can, in time, be forgiven. But months (or more) of deception? Of endless sexual escapades? No.

No. Say no.

Do not let this person prey on the lingering emotion that you have for them. The next portion of your life will be painful, yes. But pain is only weakness leaving your body and soul. You will come through this stronger than you ever imagined and you will find yourself in the arms of a man who deserves the love you offered.

Be strong. I believe in you.
little_flower_e
Sep. 28th, 2007 06:19 am (UTC)
All I can say is, how nice are you!! :) ·-·´¯`·.¸.¸.·´¯`·...¸><(((º>
You have had major surgery and are still trying to help me, thank you so very much. As always , your thoughts and response are very compassionate and yes, very true. My roommates whom are the parents of the girl who seduced him are extremely loving and supportive of me, they do not want to sway my choice and tell me whatever will make me happy is what they want. They are also not at all happy about what has happened, probably embarrassed because of their relation too. We don’t talk about her much. My ex was the one who introduced me to these people, he betrayed them in a huge way too, yet they are willing to forgive him. I know in the deepest parts of my soul that the man I want to be with would not **COULD NOT** have done those things, but yes, the heart tears you to shreds trying to understand, justify, believe you could not have been so wrong about the character of the one you believe you love.

I think that you were beginning to feel better about your betrayal when we first met, (you responded to a post I left on dear you) …..at least I hope you were.

I read some of your recent journal, I’m sorry the last girl didn’t work out.
I am glad the surgery seems to be going well enough for you to joke about your “kitten scratch“…lol, and I’m happy you had loved ones rise to the occasion and come to your aid.
I wish you all the luck this note will hold, and a heaping pile of friendship too.
Take good care of yourself, maybe when things change and I only have one job I’ll take some time off and visit Florida:)

newbabel
Sep. 28th, 2007 07:35 am (UTC)
Re: All I can say is, how nice are you!! :) ·-·´¯`·.¸.¸.·´¯`·...¸><(((º>
Well, Florida will be here when you're ready. In the meantime, you take care of yourself and don't go too long between updates. You have at least one person on your friends list who wants to know how you're doing out there. :-)

I have a guest room, by the way. You're welcome to it whenever you'd like to visit. I'm told I'm not an awful cook, either.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

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