little_flower_e (little_flower_e) wrote,

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The truth hurts

My life really doesn’t suck. I have good health, (as far as I know) a fantastic family, a best friend I would die for, I work hard at my 2 jobs and go to school and have managed to save a little money. It would be even better if I was a young 20 something but I'm not, I'm a late 30 something. I had to start me life over because I was naive and thought I knew my place in world.

Alright...the real dirt...

In February I found out my 10 year steady was screwing my best friends daughter. That’s when I started this journal. I promptly left him because I have always believed that cheating was an unforgivable sin, and moved in with my best friend and her husband. -yes, the situation is odd, the daughter was suppose to be my friend too :(- I didn't plan to move in with them, I was going to live with my grandmother, but my friends insisted. They said they would help me get through school so I could find real independence. My best friend probably saved my life, or at least I believed at te time she was my best friend, I have to wonder if perhaps she offered me a place to stay because she wanted revenge on him. It is extremely unfortunate that she had also slept with him as well before I knew him, in fact, he broke up with her to go out with me. if I would have known this, I may not have dated him at all. They decided to keep it a secret, I found out 7 years into my relationship because he ooopsed and let it slip. Her dirty c*nt of a daughter knew her mom had gone to bed with him and still persued and slept with him... so incredibly disgusting...

I can't even explain how devastated I was and still am by what has taken place. We had our problems, but I loved this man with all my heart. What and how they did what they did is really unbelievable to me, the things I found out were shock, after shock, after shock. After 5 months of refusing to speak to my ex (the girl moved in the day I moved out even though they were still blatantly denying they were having sex) we had our first conversation and he told me he knew how big a mistake what he did was from the beginning and was living in denial, she was immature and it allowed him to be immature. He confessed everything, every detail of their sex life, when, how, where and more. Way too much information, but he said he was ready to be honest about everything. He wanted me back. Wow. After being with someone for 10 years there are ties I can't seem to sever. Even while we weren't speaking, I thought about him all the time, even if they weren't very nice thoughts. We are talking and trying to work on a friendship, I feel terrible when I see him, and I feel terrible when I don't. He says I need to find a way to get over it, "It happened, I can't change what happened and I'm sorry". lol.... How do you tell your heart to stop hurting and have it work? I’m really trying, my life is very full and looks productive from the outside.

I find that the trusting, loving person I was is overshadowed by this horrible ugly feeling I can't seem to shake. There are a lot of people of the opinion that you should be able to be perfectly happy alone. I think all animals were meant to be in pairs and if you don’t have a mate you are missing an extremely vital part of your life. I feel guilty that all the great things in my life have to share space with pain I can't get away from, am not sure how to get away from. I am a deeply sensitive person. Both a great quality, and a flaw depending on the circumstances.

Sometimes I just want to move far away. I doubt that would change what’s going on inside me, just what’s going on outside. So I will continue to live by my anime motto:

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